Saturday, 14 January 2012

"What Lovey -Love Gotta Do With It?" Part I

“Love withers under constraint: its very essence
Is liberty: It is compatible neither with obedience,
Jealousy, nor fear: It is there most pure, perfect,
And unlimited where its votaries live in confidence,
Equality, and unreserve”--- Percy Byssbe Shelley

Love is a beautiful thing for anyone to sincerely feel or receive from others, no matter who or where you are.
And this is especially true for a man in prison blessed with sharing sincere love and affection with a woman in society.
Because love heals the soul, we recover from any form of pain and loss in the act and art of loving.
However, since my years in prison I’ve never experienced so much pain and betrayal in my life due to females saying “ I’m in love with you Leon!” and I’ve come to believe it’s due in large to my being in the dire position of being falsely in prison and trying to struggle to obtain exoneration through adverts on the internet.

And the fact that most females in general are to selfish and immature to give and receive true Lovey - love that has contacted me through the years. Don’t get me wrong, I take some responsibility for being unaware of emotional quid pro quo’s of emotional vampires! As most people know, when I was in society I had a little money stashed away due to my illicit drug dealing activity in Indianapolis Indiana before I was falsely arrested on August 14th, 1998. In fact I had $63,000,00 in cold cash before my arrest. I wasn’t exactly wealthy from selling cocaine but I had “a lil some-some!” J so I personally paid off my trial and direct appeal attorneys a total that amounted to $30,000,00 and some change, I paid collect phone call bills, commissary tabs for my personal survival, supported my kids and even dropped $10,000,00 on my kids mama to open a food take out business. My kid’s mama claimed to be saving money and making good money with her kitchen throughout 1999-2002 while I was in prison awaiting my direct appeal verdict.

But on February 15th ,2002 when my direct appeal was denied by the courts, I was informed by my kids mama that she had none of my money I saved for a rainy day, she even claimed not to have any money saved up from her business profits. And at this point I was on my own and had to look far and beyond for immediate assistance for my case. So I placed an advert all about my case on the internet and that was the first declaration I had ever published online. In July of 2002 I had begun to receive letters from people in society who read my advert. And 99% of the responses were from single females of all races and ages. Some of these females didn’t even take the time to even read what my online advert really expressed because they only took notice to my handsome 22y/o photo. And I eventually learned to weave these types of people away from my campaign efforts because they were not sincere and stagnated my objective.

There are the females who first presented themselves to me as genuine supporters to my plight. But they would start to insinuate their needs of love and affection from me and when I refused their advances they would just stop writing altogether.

And there’s the females who’ll be proactive to my cause in the beginning then declare their love and affection for me spontaneously in such a way it convinced me, but I was really swept into a web of their emotional quid pro quo. Because they only wanted emotional gratification from me, even when they didn’t deserve any. Even to the point of demanding it from me and if I didn’t comply they would punish me through their assistance with my case ( e.g. this female may have gained my trust to the point I gave her control of money and my legal materials, and her demand for emotional gratification came in a sudden excuse for not fulfilling an agreed obligation that effected my campaign progress)

Its like these females were trying to force me to love them, when in my situation it’s hard to maintain a love relationship; its almost impossible. And when I’ve tried to keep my contact with them on a friendship level due to me not wanting to complicate things I lose out when they disappear.

Personally, I believe because of the super exposure of the internet and other communication technology, people in society barely take anyone serious they meet on the internet because there’s so many potential friends and lovers out there to choose from. And even prisoners fall in this group because there’re hundreds if not thousands of sites dedicated to prisoners. However I take deep consideration in my sincere presentation to any female upon her contacting me in terms of assisting my plight. So I know I was real with them.

What I’ve discovered is there are a lot of physically, mentally and emotionally abused females in the world. So they displace that abuse onto a person in my position. Really they don’t understand what a healthy friendship is let alone a love relationship. So their boundaries are displaced. And all their affection toward other human beings is conditional, so they can’t comprehend helping a man in need without expecting something in return like: Lovey- love! Because my sincere gratitude’s isn’t enough for them. I’ve tried to address these females deprivation of being in contact with a genuine male figure in their lives outside of family members, but it’s extremely difficult for them to take me serious because I’m in prison, plus in their minds no man can be friends with a woman with out him being sexually attracted to them.

So I composed a satire to these females in hopes to hit home that I’m not playing games. I’m truly innocent and my plight is too serious for games because I don’t have the time for this madness, so check out how I seduced them into the truth once I detected I was dealing with an emotional vampire.

“ Destiny’s Wind”

“ Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved!”

In a word that I seldom understand, there are winds that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes they gust with the same force of hurricane Katrina and other times they barely fan the beads of sweet away from my forehead. And these winds can’t be denied, bringing as they often do, a future that’s impossible to ignore.

Are you that wind that I didn’t anticipate? The wind that has gusted more strongly than I had ever imagined possible? Have you made me your destiny?

Where have you been for so long? “And I wonder why we’ve been forced apart?”, as I stand here alone.

I know the answer, but I don’t fully understand the answer no matter how hard I try. Yet the reasons are plain but my mind forces me to dismiss it as I’m torn by anxiety. Still I’m lost with out you, I think of you, I dream of you, I lust for you, and I conjure you up when I need you the most. This is all I can do but to me it is not enough and it will never be enough -- this I know, yet what else is there for me to do? And then this thought comes to mind” I must make winds towards you!” and if you were here, I know you would want me to do the same?”

Still is it possible that you know how I feel without you? When I dream about you, id like to think you dream about me too. Before I came to know you I moved through life aimlessly and without a cause. But now I know that I was subconsciously running from your love. Now every step I take every morning I wake is a step towards finding you. Baby we’re destined to be with each other forever!

However, as I lay upon these webs of seclusion, I’ve come to recognize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless them, depending on the positive or negative steps they take to achieve it’s affection. So I hope you’re steppin the right way to me?

“So I often wonder why out of all the things in the world that I even could’ve loved, I had to fall in love with a woman who was/is separated from me by powers outta my cause?”
And with that thought, I’m standing here visualizing of what a glorious moment it is going to be the day I finally have you in my arms and all the romantic words I would express to you:

Its been a long time coming
And I’ve patiently wait’n
For this opportunity and moment
To look into the endless spectrum
“ Of your eyes”

And without me blink’n
I’ll whisper to you,
“I love you and I’ve missed you!”
I’ll initiate
My next move of undamned

By slind’n forward to taste
The sweetest juices

Of your mesmerize’n tongue
Against mine
Then grab’n a firm hold
Of the smalls of your back,

Pull’n your softness closer
to the hip-hop beat
Of my very existence.
And with our internal
Vibrations combined

As elegant and harmonized
as the connection
Of every organism
Within the entire universe.

“I can feel you”
Clench’n the thrust of my very soul
Into the bliss
Of your reciev’n arms!
Every second of our embrace

Feels as long
As the duration it would take
A shiny copper penny
To corrode green,
Laid at the bottom
Of an ocean of tears
That were made in between
The many years
Of our sudden separation!

“So ill never let you go again”
Or take you for granted,
Becuz it has taken me
Too many years of heartache
And struggle
To finally realize
That you’re my truest lover
And my ultimate destiny:


The power of the above piece was to offend a female who is so selfish not to understand that if their Lovey-love for me isn’t mature enough to wanna see me with freedom, she is really an injustice to me by being fake about her reasons for wanting to assist me. Charity aint in what you give but how you live, meaning if you do the right things for others for the wrong reasons, it loses the quality of humanity.
Yeah, it would be nice if I met a real woman that was mature enough to embrace my struggle in an objective way, because at the end of the day she’ll understand the only way we can share the purest forms of love and affection is if I’m exonerated, and even beyond my ideal woman , I’m willing to pay back any financial contribution made by anyone upon my release out of my genuine gratitude’s.

Anyway I’ve heard the phrase “hate sent you to prison but it’s love that’s going to get you out!” and that’s true. However, Lovey-love is a sexual- romantic love and in most cases it’s a selfish love. On the other hand humanity is a love for justice and freedom no matter the race, gender, age, or context of the person. And humanity is unconditional.

Lovey-love is like an unpredictable wild fire because you never no if its going to warm your heart or burn down your house like left-eye (r.i.p)J I don’t need no Lovey-love because no one can make love on a battlefield. And I’m on a battlefield.

My reason for writing this message today is to inform any female that is thinking about joining my campaign for the wrong reasons. Because this will do me more harm in the long run by wasting valuable time and energy. However, if you have the love of humanity in your heart for me and my plight please join my struggle!
And I believe only the ears of humanity can hear the song of this caged bird.

Here is a classic verse by Maya Angelou:

The caged bird sings

With a fearful trill

Of things unknown,

But longed for still,

And his tune is heard

On the distance hill,

For the caged bird

Sings of freedom.

Indeed, only the love of humanity will be able to open these prison doors to my freedom. So what Lovey- love gotta do with that? Especially if some one hasn't learned to love themselves first!. . .
Well I wanted to share my experiences of a day in the life of an innocent man in prison. In hopes that I’ll attract whole hearted feathers that’ll repair my broken wings, so that I can one day fly across the sky of life.

The caged bird sings
Leon Benson

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